Hmm, well may as well start off with a couple of blogs about the past few months to kind of explain my mind set right now, which is just generally perplexed.
Okay, Start of October, I came back from Germany and broke up with my fiancee of 3 years (having been together for 5) because, much as I loved her, I didnt think it would work in the long run. There were things there that I couldnt quite put my finger on that made me think that, in the long run, I'd lose my hair/hair colour (Heh, at 28 I'm already part badger) and probably end up having a stroke because, for some reason, I'd always be stressed around her. Maybe it was my body's way of telling me to stop for that very reason.
Anyway, we split up, determined to stay friends (I figure 5 years with someone is too long a time to spew it and walk off hating each other, hence why now we can go out drinking with our mates (and her new man) and not have kick offs, arguments or whatever (in fact I no longer worry about going out and some drama unfolding.. although admittedly there's been a fair share for all the wrong reasons recently). We stayed mates basically.
Now then, there's a girl from work who had been a good friend throughout all the pish of the break up and such, and who was having stresses of her own regarding her ex (who she'd split up from however long earlier (some time last year I believe). And after a time, we got closer and closer, until we were living out of each others pockets and spending all our time together, almost literally, staying over at each other's houses, going out all the time, going for meals, all that caper, and then suddenly, it goes awry.
One weekend we have stuff planned, when she says that her ex is coming down to stay for the weekend so our plans are out the window. Fair enough, she has issues that need resolving she says, so I'm easy with that. Then it starts happening every weekend, her going to his one weekend, seeing me during the week and he'll be there the next and so on and so fourth. Now the point where this becomes unbearable I say I'll get out of her hair so she can crack on and sort things out, and she says its not the case, she cant see them getting back together, etc, etc. And so it goes on.
Eventually last week, it came to a point with me where I thought I was being used, friends all around me were saying to just forget about it and move on. And I wanted to, but she is a really special girl, I think the world of her and so I stick around. Eventually they got back together, and after a ropey period they broke up.
We'd been close friends through it all, and have stayed such since. Her being there for me and vice versa, she's the sort of person that can brighten your day with a smile. When she was down I'd cheer her up, when I was down she'd do the same. She's been through all kinds for her age and has a wealth of relationship/life advice that I dont have, and vice versa, so we bounce off each other.
Or we did. This week I started getting paranoid, even though we'd planned loads of stuff to do together (hopefully these will still be on because I've been looking forward to them). I thought her mood had changed and thought she had started seeing someone else, and I, in my stupid and sensless shame, looked in her phone. There were texts to someone she'd never mentioned before and I got the wrong idea, them my mate told me he had overheard her talking in the kitchen the other day and confirmed what I thought. What I thought. Not the reality.
I acted like a total twat this morning, asking her about him and such, and I explained everything, and she explained back. I have never felt shame like it in my life. Nothing was going on, things had been misinterpretted, and now I think I've ruined the closest friendship I have. I dont know where it came from, or what possessed me to do it, but now I have a cross to bear and the shame that goes with it. It's a 70 foot cross with 'you're a twat' written in 10 foot high neon letters on it, and to make matters worse, I purchased the cross with my own money and got extra razorwire and barbs on it to make it as comfortable as possible.
I used to say I was the man with no shame. I can never say that again, as I am ashamed now, more than I ever have been in the 28 years of my life. I'm hoping that I can salvage and rekindle the friendship I think I've destroyed, if not, I'll be devastated. Not just because it'll be the end to the closest friendship I've had, but because it was all down to my own idiocy, paranoia and pig-headedness.
sig. Hungry Zombie
