Self Destruct Engaged

Well things now seem to be back to the way they were, which I'm pleased about, but it still leaves me being in limbo. We'd talked about getting together a lot a while ago, probably where part of the paranoia has come from, but right now she wants to be single, which is fair enough, I'm not going to add pressure or try and change her mind. But it leaves everything in an up in the air kind of situation. She is single, I am single, she wants us to knock about a fair bit, and the feeling is mutual, and she wants to go out as a single with her friends, which again is fair enough.

Where the limbo comes from is more to do with me though. When we're together she likes it when I'm affectionate, and she likes the attention I give her, and to a point it's reciprocated. When we talk about things she'll say how gutted she'd be if I met someone else, and likewise for me, and she knows (as I've said before) that I can only be affectionate to one person. I'm not someone who can be lovey dovey with more than one person because it strikes me as being totally wrong and inapropriate. At the same time as us discussing things she's said that she doesnt want to say we'll get together because she doesnt want to look to the future (something she said she was doing the whole time she was trying to get back with her ex, and something she said she was doing, because she always did it).

To me I feel like I'm being strung along, kept at the side so that if she doesnt find someone then at least she will be getting affection and attention from someone, and then when she does it'll be like christmas all over again. Me being there for her when her fella cant be, and I'm not going to put myself through that again.

Is it fair of me to stop the attention, and just say, look, we can be friends, but I cant go on giving you attention and aring for you like I do without some sort of commitment, otherwise we'll both end up being hurt, either by her meeting someone and the same thing happening again, or by me meeting some one and the affection stopping completely. in the 1st instance it would be me hurting, and at which point I'd probably sever my ties, cut my losses and carry on with life with a slightly sour taste in my mouth. If it was the other way round I think she'd do the same, whenever the subject has come up she's gotten really upset at the idea. Now I really dont know what to believe, what to think, or what to do.

Any advise is greatly appreciated :-).

Thing thing that gets to me is when I talk to my friends, my brother on saturday for example, we had a good long talk about it, and he's convinced I'm just being used until she finds someone 'better'. One of my housemates is convinced this is the case and will no longer be in the same room as her, another is pissed off with her sometimes bluntness (although I dont believe it's intentional, just kinda vacantly said sometimes). All in all, everyone I've spoken to is convinced there is an ulterior motive, and I think I do too.

I dont even know why I'm typing this, it's not like I expect people to read it or even care, I think it's just to get my thoughts down in front of me so I can see what I think rather than thinking about it and getting myself confused.

I find myself doubting myself and being troubled by things I wouldnt usually be troubled by, and it's messing with my head something wicked. I think tonight I'll just have to come clean and say 'look, I want us to be friends, and I wand us to be able to talk about everything with each other, but I can't do this for ever. Falling asleep in each other's arms is nice, but at the same time if there's no commitment what is the point. I dont want to get used to that only to lose it at a later date when she finds someone else, and vice versa. She's like a limb to me, losing her would be crap, but I cant go on with this non-relationship closeness, because one of us will get hurt. And I know it will be me. A little pain for both of us by stopping the closeness is going to be better than losing her from my life totally and being really hurt a few months down the line, and if it means we never got together, I can live with that.

This past 6 months has been my crown of thorns, and it has left me feeling broken, alone and fragile, not something I ever expected to feel after being to the gulf and having a 5 year relation ship end.

I find life irritates me somewhat, the things you want and love are never the things you need. :-) I'm still smiling though, no point being upset about the enevitable, after all, what's getting upset going to do about it? ;-)

p

Hmm, well may as well start off with a couple of blogs about the past few months to kind of explain my mind set right now, which is just generally perplexed.

Okay, Start of October, I came back from Germany and broke up with my fiancee of 3 years (having been together for 5) because, much as I loved her, I didnt think it would work in the long run. There were things there that I couldnt quite put my finger on that made me think that, in the long run, I'd lose my hair/hair colour (Heh, at 28 I'm already part badger) and probably end up having a stroke because, for some reason, I'd always be stressed around her. Maybe it was my body's way of telling me to stop for that very reason.

Anyway, we split up, determined to stay friends (I figure 5 years with someone is too long a time to spew it and walk off hating each other, hence why now we can go out drinking with our mates (and her new man) and not have kick offs, arguments or whatever (in fact I no longer worry about going out and some drama unfolding.. although admittedly there's been a fair share for all the wrong reasons recently). We stayed mates basically.

Now then, there's a girl from work who had been a good friend throughout all the pish of the break up and such, and who was having stresses of her own regarding her ex (who she'd split up from however long earlier (some time last year I believe). And after a time, we got closer and closer, until we were living out of each others pockets and spending all our time together, almost literally, staying over at each other's houses, going out all the time, going for meals, all that caper, and then suddenly, it goes awry.

One weekend we have stuff planned, when she says that her ex is coming down to stay for the weekend so our plans are out the window. Fair enough, she has issues that need resolving she says, so I'm easy with that. Then it starts happening every weekend, her going to his one weekend, seeing me during the week and he'll be there the next and so on and so fourth. Now the point where this becomes unbearable I say I'll get out of her hair so she can crack on and sort things out, and she says its not the case, she cant see them getting back together, etc, etc. And so it goes on.

Eventually last week, it came to a point with me where I thought I was being used, friends all around me were saying to just forget about it and move on. And I wanted to, but she is a really special girl, I think the world of her and so I stick around. Eventually they got back together, and after a ropey period they broke up.

We'd been close friends through it all, and have stayed such since. Her being there for me and vice versa, she's the sort of person that can brighten your day with a smile. When she was down I'd cheer her up, when I was down she'd do the same. She's been through all kinds for her age and has a wealth of relationship/life advice that I dont have, and vice versa, so we bounce off each other.

Or we did. This week I started getting paranoid, even though we'd planned loads of stuff to do together (hopefully these will still be on because I've been looking forward to them). I thought her mood had changed and thought she had started seeing someone else, and I, in my stupid and sensless shame, looked in her phone. There were texts to someone she'd never mentioned before and I got the wrong idea, them my mate told me he had overheard her talking in the kitchen the other day and confirmed what I thought. What I thought. Not the reality.

I acted like a total twat this morning, asking her about him and such, and I explained everything, and she explained back. I have never felt shame like it in my life. Nothing was going on, things had been misinterpretted, and now I think I've ruined the closest friendship I have. I dont know where it came from, or what possessed me to do it, but now I have a cross to bear and the shame that goes with it. It's a 70 foot cross with 'you're a twat' written in 10 foot high neon letters on it, and to make matters worse, I purchased the cross with my own money and got extra razorwire and barbs on it to make it as comfortable as possible.

I used to say I was the man with no shame. I can never say that again, as I am ashamed now, more than I ever have been in the 28 years of my life. I'm hoping that I can salvage and rekindle the friendship I think I've destroyed, if not, I'll be devastated. Not just because it'll be the end to the closest friendship I've had, but because it was all down to my own idiocy, paranoia and pig-headedness.

sig. Hungry Zombie